Little Yellow Notepad

“You probably feel like a new person!”

“I’m sure you have a new appreciation for everything!’’

“I bet you wake up in the morning and say Modeh Ani with a whole new meaning!”

These are typical things we say when talking to someone who went through a traumatic life-threatening experience; these are the questions I’ve been asked many times over the past few months.

And the answer is..

Um, well…

Continue reading “Are you a new person?” →

“I see his watch!” I yell to no one in particular.

“Whose watch?” my husband asks. “Who left their watch here?”

“No, not here! In the picture!”

“Huh?”

“I see his watch! I know it’s his watch, I can tell! I can’t see his arm or any other part of him. I can make out his forehead , just where his hairline ends. Yup, it’s him.”

Finally a picture of my son at camp. I can relax now. I mean, I knew he had to have gotten there because he got on the bus. But it was a relief to see he was actually there.

My husband leans in closer, trying to get a view of the picture on my phone.

“Tell me again how you know it’s him? I don’t see him in the picture.”

I proudly point out the speck of a watch in back of the room, where he’s blocked by the kids in front of him.

“Wow, I think you’re right!” My husband is duly impressed with my picture hunting skills. I’m impressed with how much I’ve improved at this activity over the years too. It takes years of picture searching for multiple children to really hone the skill.

“So, do you think he’s having a good time?” my husband asks, half joking.

“I’m not sure, it’s hard to tell…” I answer quite seriously.

I squint and bring the phone as close to my eyes as possible. Still can’t tell.

How am I supposed to figure this out?!

I’ve resigned myself to the fact that seeing my kids in camp pictures leaves me with more questions than answers. Because really, how is it possible to figure out if your kid is doing ok in camp just from a picture?! Is he really smiling or just for the picture? Do I really expect my kid to be walking around 24/7 with a smile? Do I do that? Does anyone do that?

I would like to think he is having good time, because if he isn’t there’s really nothing I can do about it other than worry. And that really doesn’t help anything either. And truthfully, can you actually tell from a picture? But still we scour for pictures and stress ourselves out.

Because mothers are just like that.

The kids woke up early on Tuesday.

They looked at their mommy and said, “Is it video time yet?”

“Not yet,” said mommy, sipping her coffee while holding the baby and serving breakfast. “We didn’t even eat breakfast yet!”

So all the kids eat breakfast and spill breakfast and make a mess of breakfast and finally finish eating breakfast.

“Is it video time yet?” ask the kids.

“Of course not!” says mommy as she cleans up the kitchen table. “We need to daven!”

Everyone goes to daven; some finish in one minute, some in 10 and some haven’t started.

“Let’s go outside!” says mommy.

“It’s boring!” answer the kids.

“Is it video time yet?”

“Not yet,” says mommy, proud of herself for sticking to her guns. “We need outdoor time.”

So mommy and the kids go outside in the backyard and everyone gets busy with a game of cops and robbers. It seems every cop needs many branches-turned-to-guns. Mommy pretends not to see.

“Is it video time yet?” ask the kids.

“Not yet,” says mommy. “We are ready for lunch!”

After a noisy and hectic lunch, mommy just wants to plop on the couch and zone out for a while.

“Is it video time yet?” ask the kids

Mommy takes a deep breath. She remembers all the articles she’s read and podcasts she’s listened to about the big bad SCREENTIME. She will not be one of those mothers.

But the temptation is real.

“Not yet,” says mommy, with a little quiver in her voice.

“Let’s do a craft!”

Mommy is proud of herself for not giving in. Dinner is at 5:00; she will stick to her decision of video time not being before 3:00. She will not be one of those mothers.

Crafts, scissors, glue, mess and more mess follows.

In the end, there is no craft- just a heap of supplies and mess, because mommy really needed to just sit and catch her breath so she did not micro manage the activity.

Mommy hopes this will not impact her children’s future.

“Now is it video time?!” ask the kids.

Mommy falters. 

It’s 2:00. Just one hour early … how bad can it be…

But no. Mommy knows the dangers of SCREENTIME and will not make the same mistake that those mothers make.

“Not yet,” mommy says, a little less convincing and a little less cheerful than earlier. “Let’s have a snack!”

After snack mommy finds herself cleaning up once again and mommy is tired.

And the baby is crying and needs to be fed. 

And it’s still not 3:00, the designated video time.

Mommy falters for a moment; should we start video time early?

You can do it, mommy tells herself. Just wait until 3:00.

Everyone seems to be busy with Lego or clicks or magna tiles or something or other.

But still they ask, “Is it video time yet?”

Is it really ruining them? mommy wonders.

I will not ruin my kids with too much video time, mommy tells herself, but with less conviction and more doubt.

2:57. Mommy can do it. She will wait. She will wait!

“Is it video time yet?” ask the kids.

“Yes!“ says mommy, trying to hide just how excited she is. “It’s 3:00!”

Everyone squeals with delight and heads to the couch, and they set up the laptop.

Toveedo to the rescue. 

They’re all Jewish videos, mommy says to herself as she feels a wave of guilt wash over her. They’re full of meaning and lessons.

Mommy hears rising voices from the other room.

“No, not Agent Emes! It’s so stupid!”

“Bella bracha!”

“Nooooo!”

Mommy practices her deep breathing.

“Mitzvah Boulevard!”

“Skull of a Genius!”

And then mommy hears it.

“Mommy!”

“Mommy!”

“Moooooommmmmmy!!!!”

“Work it out!” Mommy calls from her place on the couch in the other room. “Figure out how to make everyone happy or we can’t watch anything!” And mommy silently hopes that she does not have to carry through on that one…

And then mommy hears the video playing.

And some chatting.

And mommy is thinking that despite what they say, screentime isn’t all that evil. There’s so much that kids can learn through screen time.

There’s sharpening all their conflict resolution skills.

There’s discussion.

There’s negotiating.

There’s persuasion.

There’s camaraderie as they giggle together while they watch.

And chit chat as they talk about what’s going on.

And they’re all sitting so tightly together on the couch, in close proximity of each other and enjoying themselves. Feeling safe and secure in the presence of each other.

As mommy allows herself to finally zone out and just relax, she can’t help but think that maybe she should even let them start video time before 3:00 tomorrow ….

I was checking out at target with a handful of baby girl stuff. This seems to be becoming a regular occurrence … After 16 years of shopping for baby boy clothes, I am in heaven; finally back in the girls department! Ruffles, bows, pink and more pink – they all call my name. So somehow, even though I really came in for a return…there I was with a handful of adorable pink items, waiting to pay.

The cashier at the register noticed my purchases and started chatting.

“You had a baby girl?” She asked.

“Yup,” I say nonchalantly. “She’s 9 weeks today.”

“Wow!” She exclaims. ”You look great!”

Mommy wakes up early on Monday. She opens her eyes, says Modeh Ani and asks, “Is it bedtime yet?”

“Not yet!” giggle her kids as they dance and jump and climb into her bed. “First we need to have breakfast in Mommy Camp!”

So mommy washes negel vasser and staggers out of bed, ready to start her day.

She serves cereal and milk and scrambled eggs and flat eggs and soymilk and almondmilk and almost everyone has breakfast.

“Is it bedtime yet?” asked mommy.

“No mommy!” reply the laughing kids. “First we have to daven!”

And so everyone runs off to get a Siddur and then they sit together on the couch and in perfect harmony, all start davening together.

Just kidding.

Everyone runs off to get a Siddur and heads back to the couch.

“That’s my spot!”

“I was here first!”

“You always sit there and I never get a turn!”

“Mommy, he’s davening too loud and it’s mixing me up!”

“Mommy he’s purposely singing off tune!”

All mommy is trying to do is clean up breakfast but it will have to wait.

Mommy heads to the couch and assigns everyone a spot where to daven, in closets and corners so they can daven in peace.

“Is it bedtime yet?” asks mommy.

“No, Mommy!” the kids all laugh together. “We didn’t even do anything fun yet, it’s only 9:15!”

“Oh right! Of course!” says mommy, although she’s wondering why it feels like it’s 9 pm.

Mommy heads to the supply closet to see what activity it will be.

Ugh the play dough is hard. Someone didn’t close it. Scratch that idea. Chalk. That’s a great idea, sidewalk chalk.

Mommy hands the gleeful children a bag full of sidewalk chalk and tells the kids to decorate the backyard with a surprise picture for her.

Then mommy sneaks inside to get her long awaited 3 minute shower.

Mommy hurries back out in time to see the chalk morphing into face paint.

“Is it bedtime yet?” sighs mommy.

“Oh no, Mommy!” giggle all the kids. “We’re hungry!” 

Mommy looks at the clock on the wall that seems to be broken because it’s definitely moving too slow today. Only 47 minutes have passed since breakfast!

“Let’s have a snack!” says mommy cheerfully.

So mommy goes inside and brings out raisins, fruits and crackers.

“That’s not a snack!” the kids say in horror. “We want chips!”

Mommy is outvoted and chips it is.

“It’s time to go to the park!” says mommy cheerfully.

“Get your water bottle, shoes and stop by the bathroom before heading to the van!”

Everyone is off and running and only 26 minutes later, after mommy had to go back inside 4 times to retrieve forgotten shoes and water bottles, they are off to the park.

“Not this park!”

“We went here last week!”

“This is the dumbest park!”

With a bit of negotiating and cajoling, everyone gets out of the car and heads to the equipment. 

Mommy breathes a sigh of relief and takes out her phone to catch up and see what friends, family and complete strangers are doing.

Time passes too quickly and too slowly and everyone is hungry and it’s time for lunch.

“Is it bedtime yet?” asks Mommy.

“No, Mommy!” the kids shout together. “We are starving! What’s for lunch?!”

So Mommy serves bagels and cream cheese and pizza bagels and bagels and peanut butter and scrambled eggs and flat eggs and hard boiled eggs and yogurt,even though Mommy had originally said she was only serving pizza bagels. 

“Is it bedtime yet?” wonders mommy out loud, as she clears the tables, the chairs, the floor and wonders how a spoonful of peanut butter landed on the refrigerator door. Mommy glances at the clock and knows the answer.

Everyone goes outside to play in the sprinkler but then they change their mind and come back in because there was a bee. Mommy gets out towels for everyone and then everyone decides to go back outside again and get wet and then they change their mind and then they get wet again. And they they need more towels because their other towels are wet.

“Is it bedtime yet?” asks mommy, as she glances out the window to make sure no one is crying

“Not yet,” says Tatty, as he walks in the door.

“What’s for supper?!” reply some voices as everyone appears in the kitchen and each one is once again starving.

So Mommy serves supper; some like the meatballs with the spaghetti, some want only spaghetti, some want only meatballs and some want both but they cannot touch each other. And one kid only wants challah.

Mommy cleans the table from supper and enjoys a moment of silence at the kitchen table as she sips her next coffee.

“Is it bedtime yet?” asks Tatty.

Mommy looks at the clock. “Yes Tatty! Now it is bedtime!”

“I love bedtime,” says Tatty.

“So do I,” says Mommy.

“That’s ok, you can do it,” they both say together.

It takes teamwork and patience, but after 65 minutes, 4 stories and 3 songs everyone has brushed their teeth, gotten their negel vasser, accidentally spilled their negel vasser and refilled it and they are finally tucked into bed.

“I’m thirsty.”

“I need just one more teeny drink.”

“I’m hungry.”

“I didn’t eat anything today!” 

Mommy and Tatty take a deep breath and usher everyone back to bed.

“Good night everyone,” says Mommy.

“Good night everyone,” says Tatty.

“Good night!,” they all say together. “We can’t wait to see what we will do tomorrow at Mommy Camp!

“Me too,” says mommy, “me too.”