Life in General

Sleep training …the REAL method!

sleep training

Sleep.

Every mother’s elusive dream.

Sleep training.

Every mother’s nightmare.

It doesn’t matter what number child it is, the mere mention of the words strike fear of incompetence in the heart of every mother.

Why is everyone else’s baby sleeping and mine doesn’t?!

It doesn’t matter how many books you read or what method you believe in, the reality is that there is no shortcut.

Every mother dreams of that day when she can walk into the room, eliminate the step of rocking and jumping and dancing and nursing the baby to sleep and rather just lovingly place the baby in his/her crib, give the baby kiss, and walk out.

And so, after all my studying, reading, clinical trials and as I embark on the journey of sleep training my 9th child ka’’h, I’ve compiled my own method of sleep training; this method combines all the tried and proven techniques that promise you the sleep of your dreams by just being calm and making the magic work.

Some disclaimers:

Some methods only work if both parents don’t work, have nowhere to go and there are no other children at home, leaving the parents days and weeks to dedicate to this daunting task. When trying this particular method, you may find that the roles will be reversed; your baby will be happy with all the extra attention and you will be the one crying. You and your husband.

Other methods encourage sleeping in your baby’s room to monitor their baby’s sleep patterns and non-patterns, but considering the mother’s already sleepless life, I did not think that this type of bonding would be a positive experience either

There’s always tears. The difference is if it’s the mother’s or the child’s.

I present to you:

The Non-Cry Cry-it-out Method

It works. Fool proof. Guaranteed. The only thing that’s not certain is at what age it will finally click, but it will definitely be between the range of 4 months-14 years.

No one wants their baby to cry. Babies shouldn’t cry. Babies want the comfort and trust of knowing they’ll be answered when they are in need. And that leads us to the million dollar question.

How is a mother supposed to know when the baby is crying because they are in need of a basic need or in need of sleep?

Sleep is a need.

So when a baby is crying because they are tired, they need to go to sleep.

So the cry is not a cry.

Let me say that again, and this time read it slowly.

Letting your baby is cry is answering your baby’s needs, so the cry is not a cry. It is a non cry.

Hence the name of the method, The Non-Cry Cry-It-Out method.

The first step is, believe in your gut feeling. If you feel your baby is ready, then your baby is ready. (Interestingly enough, scientific evidence has proven that this usually coincides with when one or both parents are ready.)

Start by setting up your baby training station.

You will need:

And iPod or iPad, or any gadget with WiFi

High quality earbuds

1 tub of your favorite ice cream

3 bars of chocolate of your choice (preferably dairy)*

A watch, clock or phone

(*There is no low-carb replacement for this method. I apologize.)

Begin by getting  your baby ready for sleep, carefully explaining to your baby in a loving and soothing voice that there will be a new night time routine. Explain the changes are for his/her good. Explain that there will be no more rocking and jiggling and jumping and dancing until he/she falls asleep.

Say Shema and any other nighttime songs softly and soothingly, so the baby gets the vibe that this is all done with love and because you love him//her.

Gingerly and slowly lay baby down and leave the room.

Eat one bar of chocolate.

Check the clock, add five minutes and that’s the next time you will check on your baby. Remember, unless your baby already knows how to tell time or has a natural tendency to punctuality, the five minutes can be approximate.

If your baby cries, despite the clear communication you provided, it is not a regular cry. It is a Non-Cry cry, because it is a cry that  they need sleep and not going in is giving them the tool and skill they need.

This is not a cry of feeling abandoned or forgotten; the Non-Cry Cry-It-Out method vehemently disagrees with the cry-it-out method, which leaves a baby alone crying, only checking in periodically. The Non-Cry Cry-It-Out method encourages the mom or dad to go check in on the child at set intervals, so the mom or dad can encourage and support their baby to find those hidden skills of falling asleep on their own.

Do not pick up up your baby. Pat your baby gently, reassuring your child that you are there. Stay for a few brief moments and then leave the room.

Some methods believe that patting your baby may trick them into thinking that you will pick them up and only worsen the crying. With this method, we do not believe it is a problem. You are simply training your baby that patting is just as good as holding your child, a skill they will need for life, especially through the toddler and elementary school years.

Check the time, add ten minutes (approximately) and that will be the next time you check in on your baby.

Eat a few heaping spoonfuls of ice cream and put in your earbuds, selecting whatever form of media that will refocus your attention.

When the time is right, one parent should make their way back into the room, shushing as you go, creating a warm and pleasant sound to distract your baby from their Non-Cry crying,

Sending positive vibes isn’t enough. You need your child to feel it and more so, hear it.

Look at the clock, and add 15 minutes. That will be the next time you check. The Non-Cry crying-like response to the need to sleep may have stopped already – and at that point, all the remaining chocolate and ice cream should be consumed, in celebration of this victory and milestone.

Once phase 1 is complete, the same process is repeated for phase 2,3,4 etc of wake-up times during the night, until the day comes – and it will come!- that your child will sleep through the night. It will happen. Definitely between the ages of 4 months – 14 years.

And that is the complete Non-Cry Cry-It-Out Theory and Method.

Now if you’re reading all this and trying to make sense out of it because your child is one of those gifted children that are born knowing how to sleep through the night, then this is all not relevant for you.

But there is something you can do to help the sleep deprived segment of society.

Next time you find yourself sitting with another mom, whether it’s at the doctor’s office, the park or passing each other while shopping at Target – and you see those eyes, those sleep deprived eyes of a mother who clearly hasn’t slept more than 2 hours straight in months, and she asks you the questions; Does your baby sleep through the night?

Do me a favor and LIE. Just LIE. Yes, I’m telling you to lie. For the health and well being of this fellow mom, it is OK to lie just this once. Tell this mom that your baby is up all night. Say you are sleep deprived. Say you need to sleep train your baby and you don’t even know where to begin. Say all the things that will make this poor sleep deprived mom feel that she is not the only failure.

Because the only thing worse than a baby who wakes up every hour is speaking to another mother whose baby sleeps through the night. Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

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Life in General

Have you checked your handbag lately?

EF90678B-E4F8-4D6F-BC05-C417DA04D786I’m at a red light, looking for my lipstick. I know this light will last for over a minute, and that’s more than enough time to feel for my lipstick and quickly put it on, a time-saving mommy trick when free minutes are few and far apart.

I start digging through my handbag and feel a round small container…what is that!? It’s definitely not my lipstick and not my wallet either…I pull it out and give it a quick glance.

Nutmeg.

McCormick nutmeg, to be exact.

Um, yeah, nutmeg.

And I even remember how it got there.

I had dashed into Walmart to buy a few things, and having finally reached the stage of having a child old enough to stay in the van with my baby (with the windows slightly open on a nice brisk day!) I had the luxury to park and run into the store, alone, skipping the many minutes it takes to disconnect the carseat, lug it over to a cart, hoist it safely and securely into the cart, discover after a few feet of pushing that it is the squeekiest and rickitiest cart in the store and therefore go back and switch it, once again hauling the backbreaking car seat out and in, and then finally make my way with my oversized vehicle through the aisles. This time, I just hopped out of the car, ran into the store, grabbed a cart and zipped through the store in no time. Boy did I earn this!

I needed diapers in size 4,5 and 6. I stacked the cart with the three jumbo boxes and passed the fall baking display, and that was when I saw the nutmeg. And I remembered that I was out of it. I added it to my cart, did the self checkout (which for sure saved me at least 40 seconds) and decided not to splurge on the 10 cent shopping bag just for my little nutmeg. So I dumped it into my handbag, and wheeled the cartful of diapers to the van. And that was the last I had thought about the nutmeg, until that moment at the red light.

And the truth is, there’s lots of other miscellaneous and equally misplaced items in my handbag.

Two lego guys, one lego head and a tiny workerman’s hat. Don’t ask me why.

Three Sharpie markers, weapons of mass destruction, that I had had to quickly get out of sight and therefore dumped into the closest and  safest out-of-reach spot – my handbag.

A tube of glitter – Why haven’t I destroyed it already?? – was hastily added there when I needed to get it out of sight immediately.

Two light up menorah necklaces. The type that has those little button batteries that I’ve read way too many terrifying articles about, so when I see any toy with those batteries out in the open, I get rid of the item, regardless of how well sealed the battery compartment is. Reading too many articles about anything can do that to you. And  I guess when I had spotted them, my handbag was the closest and safest spot.

A sheet of four stickers from Trader Joe’s.

Receipts. For food and diapers. Food we ate. Diapers we used. Items we can’t return. Receipts I do not need.

Sticky…argh lollipop stick. I don’t even eat lollipops.

One laffy taffy. Hard as a rock. I haven’t eaten a laffy taffy in about 10 years. I must’ve found it somewhere and wanted to make it disappear real quick so I dumped it in my bag.

A ziploc bag with 12 foreign coins. I don’t collect coins. My 9 year old does. And I guess he also knows where to store valuables so that they stay safe.

Three grey baby socks. There’s nothing particularly symbolic about having three of them together … I assume that’s just the amount of stray socks I’ve found in the car over the last week.

Two glow sticks. The glow part is gone, but the stick still remains, a memory of a Chanukah menorah lighting, and I vaguely remember one of my kids stuffing it into my bag so he shouldn’t lose it at the event.

The untrained eye might mistake my bag for one big clutter mess.

Truthfully, sometimes I do too.

And I decide that that’s it, I’m getting a smaller handbag so that it simply can’t hold that much.

And then I get a smaller one and after not having enough space, I decide I really need a bigger one.

And then after having a bigger one for a while, I decide I must get a smaller one …

You get the idea.

But here’s the truth – if there’s anything that shows what life as a mom is, it’s my handbag. There’s love and tears and trust and secrecy and safety all held together with sticky wrappers and tissues. My wallet, my license, my identity all safely zipped in, surrounded by so much trust and love and spice … like nutmeg. Every handbag has a story. Next time you have that extra minute at a red light, check out what goodies you have in yours.

 

Life in General

The Mommy report card

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Probation.

My two year old is on probation.

Well, she didn’t actually use those words. But I’m pretty good at reading between the lines.

The preschool director is really a good friend of mine. I know she would do anything to help me and make my life easier. But she was stuck.

My adorable and mischievous two year old was making life in the toddler class very difficult for his teachers. And no form of discipline was working.

So maybe he needed a break from school…

I couldn’t argue much because I knew  exactly what they meant. When I blink, he’s on the counter.

If I blow my nose, it costs me a bag of cereal spread across the floor.

He’s the second of all my kids to master climbing out of his crib before he should be.

But you see, he’s the happiest kid around. He doesn’t even know what the word tantrum means. Because life is FUN and he doesn’t want to waste even one minute of fun to have a boring tantrum.

And his smile. He’s a charmer. He knows how to put on the sweet as sugar smile with the matching tone to shout “Mo-mmyyy!” as soon as he sees me in the morning. He makes my heart melt.

But he’s the reason that every cabinet, refrigerator and door handle in the house has a lock.

And now the preschool was telling me that he was on probation. If he couldn’t follow the rules, he would need to take the month off.

I try to get control of my thoughts.

He’s on probation, not me.

So then why do i feel like I’ve been given the dunce cap?

Why do I feel like I just got a big fat red F on my mommy report card?

Hold on a second! I tell myself.

This is not your first child!

You’ve already proven yourself to yourself.

This is your 8th child you are raising through the lovely toddler years, with the ninth to follow not far behind.

You’ve done this before without probation!

This is not an F!

So then … why does it feel like it is?

I make a mental note to speak to my husband about it later when the house will finally  quiet down.

Eventually they’re all asleep.

I start quizzing my husband.

You think we messed up with this one? Was I not strict enough? Did I do something different?

My husband is pretty amused. Something tells me I’ve put him through this string of questions before…

He assures me that there’s this thing called P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L-I-T-Y. And it’s something you’re born with. And this two year old was born with a lot of it. And it has nothing to do with him or me or my husband or his siblings. This is his nature, not a result of nurture.

I know he’s right. But it’s so hard to separate myself from it!

It’s an interesting phenomena.

When our kids achieve successes we want, we pat ourselves on the back.

But if we take credit for their successes, then that means we are to blame for their failures too.

And I disagree with both. The lines often get blurred and there’s something we easily forget.

Each child is their own person. Their. Own. Person. Not a copy of ourselves. Not an outlet for everything we meant to do as a kid. Not a make-up for what we missed out on while growing up. But their own person. Their successes are theirs. And so are their failures.

We are the cheering squad. We encourage, we guide, we lead by example.

But the outcome?

It’s not our report card. It never was and it never should be. Because if it is, then we’ve really missed the point. I know it’s not possible for me to really be there and help any of my children if all I’m seeing in them is me.

I need to see them for who they are and help them be the best version of themselves. And I need to be OK with them not fitting the mold I want to stick them into.

My toddler is on probation. Not me.

He’s adorable. And he was born with a personality and energy that surpasses mine. And it will serve him well through life. 

Right now, his preschool teacher can’t handle him. There is no report card.

And that’s life. We’ll figure it out. He’ll be ok, and so will I.

Behavior & Discipline, Motherhood

Some more about raising boys…

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With a newborn in one hand and most of my kids home, I’m keeping my summer bucket list pretty simple.

Organize the kids’ closets.

Organize my cabinet.

By “my cabinet” I mean my personal arsenal where I keep all the most valuable items in the house and all my weapons, including those that can easily turn into weapons of mass destruction.

Sharpies.

Elmer’s liquid glue.

Glitter.

Glue sticks.

Stickers.

Sticky tack.

Washable paint.

Bucket of 10,000 fuse beads.

In the wrong hands, all of these can wreak havoc. But used correctly, they can save lives.

As soon as I put the baby down, I make a beeline to my cabinet and make yet another attempt to tackle it.

I start emptying it out, finding all different things I’ve taken away from my kids over the past few months. A growing stash of bouncy balls of every size and color  that were being used in the wrong place and other things like that.

My 3 & 5 year old little boys are watching me wide eyed. I need to find something to keep them busy with so I can knock this off my list at last.

Frisbees! I came across two frisbees stuffed in the back of the top shelf; I don’t remember why I put them there to begin with, but I’m thrilled to find them. And so are they. They proudly march off with their frisbees, and I continue my work.

I come across two cardboard mailing tubes that had once contained enlarged photos.

Ah, that’ll make a great toy too!

I call my little boys and offer them the super cool cardboard tubes. I give them some creative ideas what they can use it for-it’ll be a great tunnel for their cars or they can roll balls through it.

I’m pretty pleased with my ideas and go back to my organizing.

The frisbee and cardboard tube seemed to be doing the trick.

They’re playing together and I’m organizing.

Eventually I pop in to check on them.

“What are you guys doing?” I can’t help but ask.

“We’re having a sword fight!” They excitedly tell me.

“Sword fight?”

“Yeah look, we each have a sword and a shield!”

The frisbee. A shield.

The cardboard tube. A sword.

I’m watch them, stunned. Unbeknownst do me, I had given them a sword and a shield.

I pride myself in my adapting to how little boys work. With a houseful of them, I’ve learned to play life by their rules. And I do admit, their version of life, despite the mess, is quite exciting! This is not something that came natural to me, but I’ve learned to love it.

And just when I thought I had it all figured out, they did a number on me. I had forgotten one of the golden rules about boys; anything and everything can and will be turned into a war weapon, regardless of how many rules you make against it.

I watch them gleefully running and playing and I know that really and truly, I will never be one of them. I’m doubting if it’s possible to really see the world through their magical eyes.

And that’s life with boys; you gotta just love them. Otherwise you’ll go crazy. And even worse, you’ll never, ever finish organizing your cabinets.

Motherhood

Newborn Joys

I just need to peel 10 potatoes. Throw the chicken in the oven. Quickly cut up some cucumbers. I should have it all done in time for it to be ready when the kids finish their computer time. Mommy Camp is running nice and smooth at this very moment and I’m feeling pretty pleased about it.

And then my baby wakes up. My very tiny little baby. I have to remind myself that he’s really still a newborn, since running full blown Mommy Camp can make me forget that. And he wants to eat. Like now. Well, Mommy Camp is about to lose its efficiency.

Continue reading “Newborn Joys”